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Steve Guttenberg

Whatever happened to this marvelous bastard?  This man… “The Gutte” if you will… owned the 80′s.  It all started for the world in 1984 when he stared as police cadet Carey Mahoney in Police Academy. America fell in love with the first police officer in history that wasn’t a complete douchebag that was picked on in high school. Then in 1985 he came out with a nice little film called Cocoon. You may have heard of it… this heartthrob was so sweet in this film that he gave Wilford Brimley diabetes.  In 1986 he stared in the film Short Circuit where he totally banged Ally Sheedy.  Donald Rumsfield has been quoted as saying that Steve Guttenberg’s role in this film inspired him to send robots into third world countries to kill women and children.  But he didn’t stop there!  Oh no!  In 1987 he single handedly out acted Tom Selleck’s Mustache in the film 3 Men and a Baby… a vicious defeat that Tom has been feeling to this day.   The world wanted this man and his beautiful mane of chest hair.

Then what happened?…

It all went down hill for him after that… It all started in 1990 when he played Gus Kubicek in the film Don’t Tell Her it’s Me (also know as The Boyfriend School) with Shelly Long.  What could have gone wrong?  It’s a heartfelt tale of a man that went from all cancery fat dude to Steve Fuckin’ Guttenberg…. With a Mullet!

But take a closer look…

It appears that some of his chest hair that made him so famous is missing… Strange.

How did this happen you ask?  Only a few men are capable of ripping the chest hair out of a man of “The Gutte’s” caliber.

Bruce Lee was more then capable… but under unusual circumstances he mysteriously died in 1973.

Another man with the ability was Mohammad Ali… but in 1984 he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.   Some say it was from severe head trauma… but Ali was so incredibly fast in the ring he was rarely punched… strange.

That left only one man…

Pat Morita from The Karate Kid

When John G. Avildsen, the director for The Karate Kid, was looking for someone for the role of Mr. Miyagi he wanted someone that was fast enough to snatch flies out of the air with chopsticks… and he friggn got it.  Pat Morita was so fast he could catch bullets with his butt cheeks.  He was the only living person capeable of snatching Mr. Guttenberg’s chest hair.  But why?  What were his motives?  We may never know…. OR MAYBE NOT!

Pat died in 2005 at the age of 73… strange… Asian folks live to be like 150 years old.  Why did he die so sudden?  What happened in 2005?

lets take a closer look at “The Gutte’s” chest hair… it seems to look like…

CHUCK NORRIS’S BEARD!

And what happened in 2005?  Chuck Friggin’ Norris!  That’s what!  Chuck Norris attained his great strength and wisdom through Steve Guttenberg’s magical pelt like chest hair!  It appears he acquired his idea from “The first Victim” of his master plan as seen in this clip.

The Word is out Chuck!  I’m on to you!  My life may be in danger because of this posting.  But the world must know.

And this is what is left of poor Steve Guttenberg…