There was once a time we looked at children in films as innocent beings who could do no wrong other than annoying the shit out of everyone in the theater. There are very few things in films that can ruin the movie faster than kids. Kids being in the movie. Kids watching the movie. Kids outside the theater. Kids in the next room while you’re watching a movie. Kids in the park while you’re driving home thinking about watching a movie. Then movies started to have kids being creepy in movies.
Play wiff us. We have Connect Four.
Here are a list of 10 movies that made us terrified of kids. As if Disney Afternoons weren’t enough.
10. Village of the Damned – 1960
Synopsis
In the small English village of Midwich everybody and everything falls into a deep, mysterious sleep for several hours in the middle of the day. Some months later every woman capable of child-bearing is pregnant and the children that are born out of these pregnancies seem to grow very fast and they all have the same blond hair and strange, penetrating eyes that make people do things they don’t want to do.
Why it’s creepy?
Before this flick kids were under the old time system rules that they should be seen (rarely) and not heard. Having family in Iowa I heard about this style of rearing all through my adolescence. “Shut up, look presentable, don’t fuck around.” These words are burned into me. Nothing against Iowa at all, some of the best people you’ll ever meet who don’t want to eat you, but their customs and ways of life are a little on the older side. So people growing up with this mentality of how children should act in society got a fucking wake up call when the blonde-haired bastards started telekonising their asses in this 1960 film.
Creepy Child Factor
2 Macaulay Cuklins. It was definitely creepy and stands the test of time a bit, but we are plagued with asshole kids today who “do what they want” so little brats who want to take over is nothing new if you’ve been through Wal Mart lately.
9. Children of the Corn – 1984
Synopsis
A boy preacher named Isaac goes to a town in Nebraska called Gatlin and gets all the children to murder every adult in town. A young couple have a murder to report and they go to the nearest town (Gatlin) to seek help but the town seems deserted. They are soon trapped in Gatlin with little chance of getting out alive.
Why it’s creepy?
Spinning off theatrical sequels, straight to VHS sequels, and even made for TV sequels, there was something about those damn kids in the Midwest that sent shocks through our nervous system. While not a remake of Village of the Damned, it comes pretty damned close. How, you ask? I know it has little to nothing to do with it, that’s why I am not calling a remake or a stealing, but it’s like the Pied Piper of creepy kid movies. If parents weren’t afraid of their kids before this, they were after.
Creepy Child Factor
Emmanuel Lewis with a severed head.
8. The Good Son – 1993
Synopsis
Following his mother’s death, Mark is sent to Maine to visit his aunt and uncle while his father goes on a business trip to Tokyo. Mark meets his cousin, Henry, and the two quickly form a friendship. However, Henry begins to show signs of psychotic behavior that worry Mark.
Why it’s creepy?
Remember this photo?
Yeah, so did everyone else. They remember Culkin as this cute, family-friendly kid who made us laugh in Home Alone and then regret buying tickets to Home Alone 2. So when he switches to the dark side audiences were shocked that this lovable, house-hold-name could be so fucking evil. And let’s face it, he wasn’t just evil, he loved doing it. Which made it all the creepier.
Creepy Child Factor
A bucket of dolls heads held by Little Orphan Annie
7. The House By The Cemetery – 1981
Synopsis
A deranged killer lives in the basement of an old mansion and pops out occasionally to commit grisly murders that include be-headings, ripped throats, and stabbings with a fireplace poker. The killer needs fresh body parts to rejuvenate his cells. He also has maggots for blood.
Why it’s Creepy?
For those of you who have been with us for a while, you may remember my film review of this tragic piece of dumpling about a year or so back. Nothing has changed. The movie is not scary. And it is not creepy. So why is it on this list? Well, dear friends and foes, the kid in this movie, Bob, is voice dubbed so fucking poorly that it has left stains on the memories of my life. Whenever you see a 6 to 7 year old boy with the voice of a 20-something woman, things tend to shiver where they don’t usually. the fucking kid is terrifying and he isn’t supposed to be.
Creepy Child Factor
Empty Pixie Sticks and Interview with a Vampire era Kirsten Dunst while playing hopscotch with severed limbs.
6. the Orphanage – 2007
Synopsis
Laura, a former orphan, raises her adopted son Simón together with her husband Carlos in an old house and former orphanage where she was raised. While at the orphanage Simón tells Laura that he has five invisible friends which she believes are a product of his active imagination. Laura decides to reopen the orphanage to cater for disabled children and throws a party. During the party Simón tries to persuade Laura to go and take a look at his friends cabin but she’s too busy. Later on she sees a mysterious masked boy and realizes that Simón has also disappeared. Laura feels the presence of other people in the house and months later Laura invites a team of parapsychologists to try to unravel the mystery.
Why it’s Creepy?
First off, it’s produced by Guillermo del Toro and that alone should help stir emotions of creep. Now, it’s not directed by him, but he still had a hand in it. Kinda like Nightmare Before Christmas and Tim Burton. It’s a ghost story, straight up. A ghost story mixed with a thriller. It’s creepy in the belief factor. How well the acting is. How the film brings you into this world. You actually feel for the characters, and that is a pretty hard thing to do with most films in the horror genre.
Creepy Child Factor
The ghost of Damon Wayans in a clown suit, reading you poetry from Doug Bradley.
5. Godsend – 2004
Synopsis
After their young son, Adam (Bright), is killed in an accident, a couple (Kinnear, Romijn-Stamos) approach an expert (De Niro) in stem cell research about bringing him back to life through an experimental and illegal cloning and regeneration process. When Adam comes back to them, however, he’s.. different…
Why it’s Creepy?
It’s not. It’s not creepy at all. …. Unless you’re a parent of a dead child. Think of it as a scientific version of Pet Semetery, only without the really scary shit along the way. So why is it on here? The more I talk to parents of young kids the more I hear the same thing – stuff they didn’t think was scary before is nor numbingly horrifying. So the thought of not only having your kid die, but having him come back and hella different is a tad bit disconcerting. This movie is more for parents while the horror crowd is wondering why anyone is caring at all.
Creepy Child Factor
Trick r Treating with Gary Coleman. Not sure why he’s there, but not too worried about it either.
4. Orphan – 2009
Synopsis
Kate and John Coleman are rebuilding their troubled marriage. Kate had a drinking problem, but is in therapy and is doing well. She has been sober for one year. The couple decides to adopt a child. When they meet the nine-year-old Russian girl, Esther, at the St. Marina Orphanage, they immediately fall in love with the well-educated orphan. Their young son, Daniel, is hostile to his new sister; but their deaf-mute daughter, little Max, is enchanted with her – at first. Eventually, Kate begins to feel that Esther is manipulative and possibly even psychologically disturbed. John refuses to listen to his wife’s misgivings, and the wounds in their marriage reopen. Kate calls Sister Abigail at the orphanage, and the nun informs her that Esther has a troubled and mysterious history. Kate delves further into Esther’s past and discovers she is not at all who she pretends to be.
Why it’s Creepy?
In the immortal words…. ORPHAN!!??
While she seemed like the perfect little orphan to have in their home, it turns out otherwise. It’s been out for a while now folks, and the twist isn’t that shocking, but for the sake of Boozinga, move on ahead if you haven’t seen this movie. OK. Are you gone? You’re not? You little fucker. Now move on. Nothing to see here but spoilers.
OK, no more warnings. When we find out that the orphan was a 30-something chick it’s a bit disconcerting that someone of that age was still living with their parents. Adoptive or not. What’s next? Star Wars Blu Ray viewing party and weekly movie review podcasts? Weak.
Creepy Child Factor
Little Dexter swimming in his own blood while Tim Curry in IT plays Moonlight Sonata on a xylophone.
3. Firestarter -1984
Synopsis
Andrew and Vicky McGee met while earning money as guinea pigs for an experiment at college. The experiment was shrouded in suspicion and mystery, and seemed to be related to psychic abilities. The two were married and had a daughter Charile, who has the ability to start fires by merely thinking about it. Naturally, the government takes a great interest in Charlie, and operatives from the secret department known as “The Shop” want to quarrantine and study her.
Why it’s Creepy?
Man, what the fuck was going on in 1984 with kids in creepy movies? For those of you who have not seen this, don’t fret, you probably aren’t that big into movies, and specially for you there is a remake coming out in 2014. So there you go. This movie was creepy because it was Stephan King in his prime. Kids who can start fires aren’t as scary as the ones who can start them by thinking of them. This is the equivalent of people who masturbate or can simply cum by thinking about it. Where do I sign up for that experiment?
Creepy Child Factor
Little, eyeless kids licking your window outside at night.
2. Let The Right One In – 2008
Synopsis
Oskar, a bullied 12-year old, dreams of revenge. He falls in love with Eli, a peculiar girl. She can’t stand the sun or food and to come into a room she needs to be invited. Eli gives Oskar the strength to hit back but when he realizes that Eli needs to drink other people’s blood to live he’s faced with a choice. How much can love forgive? Set in the Stockholm suburb of Blackeberg in 1982.
Why it’s Creepy?
For those of you who have only seen the American remake, Let Me In, you have missed the fuck out. The original is creepy in all the right moments. It’s a kid-like vampire who has to live in this body forever. It’s sad and thought-worthy all while being fucking creepy as hell. There is a good reason why this is my favorite vampire film. Plus the fact that Oskar discovers that he will be Eli’s new handler, age old and be discarded like her old one. That’s a lot to take in.
Creepy Child Factor
Lil’ FatGuy and Lil’ Junk showing up on your doorstep for candy and it’s not Halloween night.
1. The Omen – 1976
Synopsis
Robert and Katherine Thorn seem to have it all. They are happily married and he is the US Ambassador to Great Britain, but they want more than to have children. When Katharine has a stillborn child, Robert is approached by a priest at the hospital who suggests that they take a healthy newborn whose mother has just died in childbirth. Without telling his wife he agrees. After relocating to London, strange events – and the ominous warnings of a priest – lead him to believe that the child he took from that Italian hospital is evil incarnate.
Why it’s Creepy?
It’s the fucking OMEN! Have you not seen this movie? There is a solid reason why so many people reference the name Damien as a fucking source of evil! Stay the hell away from the remake like it’s the plague. Let’s face it, the remake is a lot like the Wickerman remake. Just as good.
Creepy Child Factor
Damien talking to you.
