Before we kick off the last holiday season of the year it’s important for you, the reader, to know that I have no idea what this is going to be. Really. I have no clue.

I might do this for a week. Maybe two. Hell, I might even make it all the way to the 25th and celebrate by documenting my attempt to eat my weight in chocolate-chip cookies and drinking a jug of milk! It really all depends on how much fun everyone ends up having with this little experiment, and how many Christmasy things I can think of to write about.

Maybe the other guys will jump in on the festivities as well. We’ll see…

My hope is that this turns into another Boo-zinga (hince the name, I wasn’t just lazy). We had so much fun writing about Halloween, and you seemed to have so much fun reading about it, that I basically just wanted to repackage it (ok, I am a little bit lazy) do the same thing all over again. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it right? Well this time however I’ll be wearing a Santa hat.

But again…we’ll see.

Maybe with a little Christmas miracle we’ll actually finish this post series! It’s all up to you guys to let us know if you’re enjoying this or not. So if we stop posting suddenly just remember, it’s all your fault for killing Christmas.

Alright, now that expectations are at an all time low (just how I like them)…please remember…THIS POST IS A JOKE EVERYONE! AKA “SATIRE”. I DON’T WANT ANY EMAILS FROM PEOPLE WHO TAKE THIS POST SERIOUSLY! You might think that it’s crazy I even have to write that, but the internet is a crazy place full of crazy people who don’t understand sarcasm. So…now that the joke I haven’t even told yet is ruined…lets get this party started!

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Christmas radio stations are as important to my holiday experience as using an xacto to surgically cut open my presents under the tree to get a sneak peak at what’s inside. Especially now that I’m all grown up and moved down to the snow-less south, where there isn’t such a thing as seasons like in Indiana, it’s really the only way that I can tell Santa is on his way.

But I never really listened to lyrics of the songs when I was a kid. It was just festive background music as we drove to the shopping mall.

So imagine my surprise when I suddenly realized as an adult that quite a few of my childhood songs were about some pretty messed up subject matter.

Case and point…”Baby It’s Cold Outside” by Frank Loesser.

An ode to date rape.

Pictured above: Frank “The Continental” Loesser.

(For legal purposes I have to disclose that that is in fact not Frank Loesser)

Ok technically we’re in a bit of a grey area here when it comes to the whole claim of “date rape”. You see he wrote the song as a duet for him and his wife. But either way Frank was definitely working out something dark here. So lets listen to the song as we look at the lyrics, shall we?

Press play…

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I really can’t stay

But, baby, it’s cold outside

I got to go away

But. baby, it’s cold outside

This evening has been

Been hoping that you’d drop in

So very nice…

Ok he just seems to be concerned for his date’s safety at this point. I mean he’s just trying to talk some sense into someone who’s starting to show some signs of cabin fever. I can understand that.

Maybe I’ve misjudged Mr. Loesser?

But wait…this is just the bait. He wants her to think he’s just a nice guy, but things are about to take a turn.

I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice

My mother will start to worry

Beautiful, what’s your hurry

And father will be pacing the floor

This is the show choir way of saying, “People are going to be looking for me mister!” But Frank just won’t listen. Few psychopaths would.

Listen to the fireplace roar

So really I’d better scurry

Beautiful, please don’t hurry

Maybe just a half a drink more

Put some records on while I pour

Are those records he’s putting on to set a romantic mood? Nope. I’ve got a feeling they’re real purpose is to drown out the sound of female screams later on in the night.

Just wait. It’s about to get worse.

The neighbors might think

Baby, it’s bad out there

Say, what’s in this drink?

Rufilin.

No cabs to be had out there

“There’s no place to run.”

I wish I knew how

Your eyes are like starlight now

To break the spell

“A shot of Adrenalin…right to the heart. Oops looks like we’re all out my dear!”

I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

“I’m going to make a sweater out of it later…so you’ll never leave me.”

I ought to say no, no, no, sir

Mind if I move in closer

“…for the kill”

At least I’m gonna say that I tried

“There looked to be signs of a struggle Officer.”

What’s the sense of hurting my pride

I really can’t stay

Baby don’t hold out

Ahh, but it’s cold outside

This back and forth continues to go on for a while, but first a fun fact! Did you know that besides writing this holiday classic, Frank also coined the terms, “No means yes!” and “She was asking for it.”

What a horrible person.

Now in the spirit of time, here are some highlights of the struggle through out the rest of the wholesome family tune. It reads like a 911 call.

“Merry Christmas, 911, what is the emergency?”

The answer is no!

“Ma’m, please try to calm down and tell me where you are.”

My sister will be suspicious

Gosh, your lips look delicious…

 ”Is there someone else with you?”

How can you do this thing to me?!

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow

Making my life long sorrow

“Please, just tell me your location ma’m. Officers will be dispatched immediately. Just tell me where you are!”

At least there will plenty implied

If you caught pneumonia and died!

“Ma’m is he threatening you? Is he the one you’re calling about? What’s his name?”

I really can’t stay

Ahh but it’s cold outside

“Hello? Ma’m? Are you still there?”

*click*

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Pretty messed up, ain’t it? Especially since I think it’s safe to say that they never found the body.

Now I just have to ask, does this song still put you in the Christmas spirit even after knowing the true meaning?

Anyways, next time we’ll be talking about a much less rapey, but still borderline song, called…“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

Until then…Merry Christmas everyone!