So I’ve been back and forth trying to resurrect the awesome I channeled into my first post, and was losing focus, there was no more anger.  What kind of post would this be if i wasn’t yelling at children?  That’s right, a snoozeworthy one.

But thankfully, through the miracle of the internet and instant messaging systems, I was able to talk with Doc Oz, and he re-inspired me.  The flame of anger has been re-lit, and I’m nurturing these flames of anger until they start burning a nice blue.

That being said…

Your Video Games SUCK!

Sure, sure, right off the bat so many of you are going to attempt to protest.  Mostly because the video games kids are playing now, are the same video games you play too.  That makes this post even more important for you to read as well, because you can’t forget how good we had it when games first started coming around.

Our childhood’s were plagued by repetitive midi soundtracks we could recreate, and an array of sound effects that, when combined into one sound file and played at once, would re-create the sound of dial-up internet.

Our games were iconic.  The games today, sure, they make waves.  People know the Halos the Gears of Wars and the GTAs, but let’s look at this in all reality, these games suck compared to what we knew.

Sure kids, you can start getting fired up and yelling at me about expansion packs, new map levels, MMOs and multi-player bullshit.  But for every ounce of strength you spend arguing why Viva Piniata makes you want to hit small animals with sticks, I can come back at you with one defense.  I can come back at you with one game, and it will make every single counterargument that you have completely null and void.

Super fucking Mario.

I’m going to give you a second to change your pants, that I can only assume are now, full of poop.  Because I just forced a gaming laxative down your throat.

Growing up Mario was king.  OH WAIT!  Mario will always be king.  Why is that you ask?  Because Mario made Nintendo, and Nintendo made our childhoods.

Yes it was through that little 8-bit man and his green brother that we learned to run in a straight line, learned that plumbers have brothers who are almost exactly like them in every way, and that plumbers get all the ladies.

Tell me, just fucking tell me one PS3, Xbox 360, or Wii game that comes close to touching the original Mario?

Can’t do it can you?  Do you know why that is?  Because Mario is still king shit on game mountain.  You’re still playing his games!!!!!

No cheat codes

You kids are spoiled, you get all the blood and gore and sexual innuendos you want out of video games now.  Even so, many of you take things way too far and play as women characters to watch them run…and that’s just sad.

We didn’t have things like blood, sex, violence, full motion videos, story, collision control.  No, we had blocks, crappy music and fully clothed characters….unless you knew the codes.

This is something that kids will never fully appreciate.  Mostly because a lot of the things we had codes for as kids are now standards in the game.  Plus, there are so many linear and story based games now, it’s hard to do warp levels and things like that.  Now it’s just codes for special outfits…and that’s great for homosexual gamers who love to buy a game, design a character, and then go to bed.

This is just as bad as a screenshot of a character design screen, and just as boring…

I don’t like doing that.  I hate designing characters.  Just give me a badass and I’ll play it.

But I digress…

When I bought my Sega Genesis when it released.  That’s right kids, I paid for it, myself, in 3rd grade.*  Games were heavily monitored by parents.  There was no ratings system, parents were actually involved.  Well it was mandated from on high (my mom) that I was never allowed to play Mortal Kombat.  It was too bloody, too many women who were scantily clad, and promoted violence.

But see, the distributors were smart back then.  You had 1 version of the game, and that version had no blood.  So I would rent it from my local store, my mom would see there was no blood, Sonya Blade wasn’t as naked as she thought, and that the fighting looked stupid, they would leave us be.

That’s when the fun would happen.

A,B,A,C,A,B,B MOTHA-TRUCKA!!!!!!!!!!!

GOREFEST CIRCA 1994!

Eat that kids!  You will never know the joy of tricking your parents into purchasing you a horrendously (for the time) bloody game and pulling it off without a hitch!  Then you know what we did, we called our friends over to brag and show them how they could do it too!  It’s called word-of-mouth-awesomeness, you should try it.

Oh wait, you don’t have real life friends do you?  Just the friends your Pally made on WoW last night that like in Portugal, and your “girlfriend” who lives in Minsk right?

All of you people that “glitch” in games now…you are the scum of gaming.  You are so horrible, not because you are getting an upper hand on your opponents, but because you think it’s cool!

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT COOL IS!!!!!

Cool is collecting 3 warp whistles and skipping over every level in Super Mario 3!  Cool is using a code to jump to the FINAL level of Sonic 2 to fight Doctor Robotnick.  Cool is using a simple name to remove the armor of your hero to find out, OH FUCK IT’S A GIRL!  Cool is performing a simple action when a grey dude pops out of a fucking corner to shout “TOASTY!” at you, then warping to a new level, to fight a secret character that SPITS FUCKING ACID!!!!!!

You guys think cool is new finishing moves and more gore, and sure that is cool.  But our childhood game reveals were EPIC!!!!! The shit spread like wildfire too!  There was no internet to spoil this stuff for us, this was all people just messing around and figuring it out, or spending hard earned money to call a game master at Nintendo to give us hints on how to dominate over you.

No Real System Rivalries

This is a big thing to me.  Friendships were ended over where your loyalties to gaming lied.  Were you Genesis or Super?

We learned how to debate over this very topic alone.  This was street arguing, and there were no rules.  Super had the whole catalog of Mario and Super Star Wars in it’s back pocket, but Sega had Sonic, Toejam and Earl, Earthworm Jim.

To those friends I lost all those years ago in the great Trail Creek Court wars…you made your choice, and failed to defend it.

Kids today can’t argue shit!

“Oh my Xbox does Netflix and this game”

“Oh yeah, well SO. DOES. MINE!”

“…Oh, so…we’re in total agreement it’s awesome then right?”

“Yup”

End.

WHAT KIND OF FRIENDSHIP IS THAT!  You need that rivalry, you need your loyalties!  An end to cross-platform games I say!  AN END!!!!!!!!!!  put your friendship at risk and have a fucking opinion!

MMOs?

My final point that I’m going to bring up here before I cool off, is on MMOs.  Kids are wasting their youth on these games now.  They lack social skills, and become little assholes.  There, I said it.

We had an MMO when I was a kid too.  You scrounged for food, went on dangerous quests, and sometimes, found some shiny treasure in the end…it was called GOING THE FUCK OUTSIDE AND MAKING FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE THEN MAKING UP A GAME AND PLAYING IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS FOR HOURS UNTIL THE STREET LIGHTS CAME ON AND THEN YOU RISKED STAYING OUT LATER BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING SO MUCH FUN YOU WANTED TO TELL YOUR FOLKS TO SHOVE IT AND PLAY GHOST IN THE FUCKING GRAVEYARD ALL NIGHT!

Kids, you’re childhood sucks!

* GET A FUCKING JOB!